My favorite quote of the day...

Sometimes I hear or read things that are just hysterical to me, here is the one for today

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY HOT DAMN POKER YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'MA BURN YOUR EYES OUT, THEN YOU'LL STOP FUCKING STARING AT ME!!"

I laughed until I could not breathe when I read this...and laughed so hard I cried off all of my mascara!
I know this doesn't make sense to you right now, so let me give you the background story...

My spouse, whom I detest, felt he would try to intimidate me last night. I do not intimidate easily. Most the time I just ignore him. Which is what I did when I told him to quit staring at me and he let me know that he is my husband (something i wish he would quit reminding me of) and that he could look at me any time he wanted to. My cousin reacts differently. The above quote is how SHE would have reacted. LMFAOOOOOOOOO BUSTTTTTTTTTT
gotta love her!

I got a WHAT?!

I don't consider myself the prudish type. I am a very outgoing, outspoken kind of person. But considering recent events I think, looking from the outside in, I might possibly have been considered a prude by others. When I asked my cousin she told me I'm not a prude, I'm just "vanilla". Yeah, um, ok....???
Now, let me lay out these "recent events" for you:
The city I live and work in acquired its first official "adult business". Upon the owner's finding out that i have not ever owned or used the "toys" which would be sold at his establishment, he has been bound and determined to get me to shop there ever since. (I have not)
The owner of this business has more recently decided to run for elected office. When he made this known to me, he proposed that I be his campaign manager, and in return for doing so, he would give me a free silver bullet. I thanked him kindly for the offer, but did not accept.
Well, let me remind you of his bounded determinedness (i think i just made that up, but you know what i mean). One day, week before last, he delivered to me, via yummy-cop, said Silver Bullet. Oh, it was wrapped discretely in a bright yellow Dollar General Store bag. Yummy-cop insisted I take it, because he was NOT taking it back. I shoved it under my desk and there it sat through the weekend and into the next week. The business owner came to my work place and asked if i thought about him over the weekend. I told him no. My naivety (and forgetfullness) allowed me to keep a straight face. A few seconds later I remembered the "gift" under my desk from him. Jokingly i said "i looked at it but i don't know how to work it" (i really hadn't...it was still wrapped just like he sent it) he laughed and gave me these simple instructions "pop in two batteries, turn it on, and hang on!"
This weekend I got curious. I was free of kids. I decided to go to the office and make a fast break with the toy in tow.
At home, i followed the simple instructions i was given....and holy hell people "hang on" is an understatement! Now I will be the first to tell you that I'm the kind of girl that is all about oral sex. This little instrument is .... well.....da bullet is da bomb!!!!
I was... feelin' good... in well under a minute. So I did it again....and again!
Ladies and gentlemen......meet my new best quick fix friend!!!